Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Clitch, you stupid bitch! When I said in my blog yesterday about people who wrote just simply "hi"...I wasn't referring to you. Geez, if you'll stop sucking those joysticks, you'll be less paranoid. As my cousins would say, "stop acting dumb!"
Anyways...on a serious note, it's been almost 3 months since my mother passed away. It seems lately I've been grieving more and more. Someone said it'll take a year to grieve. My parents once said that you'll always grieve...no matter how long ago someone has passed away, especially a loved one. So, I have been having my grieving moments here and there.
It may seem that lately I might've been self-centered, ignoring the needs of others. Yet, I think you're not supposed to have those "moments" too often, especially if you have a lover/spouse and/or children. They have needs as well. So, when do you get to have those moments? When do you get to focus on your well-being? When is it ok? When is it ok to be alone and "lick your wounds", even if others want to be there for you?
This morning, while I was brushing my teeth, I shed a couple of tears. I was thinking of my mother. I was thinking, "wow, I forgot that I have, at least, 5 disposable cameras, of my mother, in her last days." I was thinking that when I get paid this Friday, I'm gonna drop off these films at the photoshop. It'll be 1 long hour to get them back. I was thinking that when I get these photos back...I'm gonna run to a corner and view these pictures of my beloved mother. I know I'm gonna cry and cry. These will be photos I will want to scan into my heart and mind. These will be irreplaceable. Selfish of me to just want to view them, for the first time, to myself? Yes? No?
At this moment, I feel alone. I feel like I'm the first one, among my peers, to experience this sort of death. Perhaps, I'm meant to share this experience with someone, when they will experience a death of a parent. Although, there is someone who has experienced it, before me, yet somehow I didn't get that support. But that's whole other story and I'm not gonna go into it.
Kitch is there for me, with open arms. I sometimes forget that this can be hard on him. Do I act like the world revolves around me? Perhaps...but not intentionally. It's hard. Siiiighhh....
Momma, I love you! Miss you so much!
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Anyways...on a serious note, it's been almost 3 months since my mother passed away. It seems lately I've been grieving more and more. Someone said it'll take a year to grieve. My parents once said that you'll always grieve...no matter how long ago someone has passed away, especially a loved one. So, I have been having my grieving moments here and there.
It may seem that lately I might've been self-centered, ignoring the needs of others. Yet, I think you're not supposed to have those "moments" too often, especially if you have a lover/spouse and/or children. They have needs as well. So, when do you get to have those moments? When do you get to focus on your well-being? When is it ok? When is it ok to be alone and "lick your wounds", even if others want to be there for you?
This morning, while I was brushing my teeth, I shed a couple of tears. I was thinking of my mother. I was thinking, "wow, I forgot that I have, at least, 5 disposable cameras, of my mother, in her last days." I was thinking that when I get paid this Friday, I'm gonna drop off these films at the photoshop. It'll be 1 long hour to get them back. I was thinking that when I get these photos back...I'm gonna run to a corner and view these pictures of my beloved mother. I know I'm gonna cry and cry. These will be photos I will want to scan into my heart and mind. These will be irreplaceable. Selfish of me to just want to view them, for the first time, to myself? Yes? No?
At this moment, I feel alone. I feel like I'm the first one, among my peers, to experience this sort of death. Perhaps, I'm meant to share this experience with someone, when they will experience a death of a parent. Although, there is someone who has experienced it, before me, yet somehow I didn't get that support. But that's whole other story and I'm not gonna go into it.
Kitch is there for me, with open arms. I sometimes forget that this can be hard on him. Do I act like the world revolves around me? Perhaps...but not intentionally. It's hard. Siiiighhh....
Momma, I love you! Miss you so much!
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